,

HOORAY!!!

IT’S MAY!!!

Flowers are flowering!
 

 
Spring fever has descended!
 

 
And the Martians have landed!

Actually, that is El Mysterioso, a plant that has been living  quietly in my backyard for several years now and just this  Spring decided to pull out all the stops and go for broke!
I can’t tell if it is an asparagus on crystal meth or E.T. attempting to phone home.
 
And how have you all been?
 
All is well in Southern California.  I am still recuperating
from the  divine madness that was New Orleans. This is how I felt when I got home.

 
But the lips are now zipped and  at the very least I am walking every day. I learned something new about walking that I found totally appropriate and thought I should share.

WALKING AND WINE

A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles per year.
Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of wine per year.
That means, on average, we get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud to be an American.
 
Amen!

I have been writing madly away with my partner, Michele on  the 413th    version of the first love song for DANGEROUS BEAUTY. Oh ,Irving Berlin, enter my brain and help me!!!!!
Why Irving? He was clever , fast, and prolific. I believe he wrote THERE’S NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS and ANYTHING YOU  CAN DO I CAN DO BETTER  over a weekend, the bastard!
We head for Chicago on June 23rd to start rehearsals.
 
The most memorable evening for me in the last month was the Dealth Penalty Focus banquet in Beverly Hills, where I was asked to sing a couple of songs. It is such a great and important organization.  I met Julian Bond and sat next to John Grisham (who knew he was a hotty, as my neice would say???) I learned more than I had ever chosen to know about the frailties of our justice system on that night…that the Death Penalty has NEVER deterred a crime…that it costs the tax payers unbelievable sums of money to house and execute…that over 271 death penalty convictions have been overturned in the last two years alone, because evidence was flawed and people were wrongly convicted. I never knew these things. 
In the house  that night were 5 innocent men AND women who had been recently released from various death rows around the country after many years of wrongful detention.

God bless Mike Farrell, the founder of this organization, for his care and concern.  (I met him first a lonnnnng time ago when I did a MASH episode with him. A truly noble man.)
 
This is going on my wall.

 
So have  the politics worn you down yet?

Are you feeling just a tad overexposed to EVERYBODY’S  political opinions? Me too. I know it’s vitally important to be informed. But sometimes it makes me feel like I have been watching a David Lynch movie in Swahili.  My head feels like it might explode.

 
That’s my cat Harley, after watching the latest debate. (Actually, it’s after he had his first taste of peanut butter, but I liked the metaphor.)
 
Here is my favorite political commentary of late:
 
The answer the question: Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
 
BARACK OBAMA: The  chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted  CHANGE!
 
JOHN McCAIN: My  friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage  in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.  
 
HILLARY CLINTON: When  I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road.  This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! --  that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the  road.  But then, this really isn't about me, although I clearly remember  having to dodge enemy fire as Chelsea and I tried to cross  the road.
 
DR. PHIL: The problem  we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the  problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the  'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's  acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT'  problems before adding 'NEW'  problems.
 
OPRAH: Well, I  understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross  this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and  take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so  that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of  the chickens.
 
GEORGE W. BUSH:  We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if  the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against  us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
 
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can  clearly see the satellite image  of the chicken crossing the road...  
 
NANCY GRACE: That  chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the  way he walks.
 
PAT BUCHANAN: To  steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
 
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To  die in the rain. Alone.
 
RUSH LIMBAUGH:  Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why  they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken  is gay. And  if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens  until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with  seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.  That chicken should not  be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.  
 
BARBARA WALTERS:  Isn't that intewesting? In a few moments, we will be wistening to the chicken  tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a  sewious case of molting, and went on to accompwish its wife wong dweam of  cwossing the woad to engage in an illicit affair with a U.S. Senator.  
 
BILL GATES: I have  just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs,  file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet  Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more  stable and will never reboot.
 
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken  
 
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?  
 
AL GORE: I invented the  chicken!
 
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
 
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
 
I feel the following picture illustrates how I feel about  life in this country under ANY political party!

Actually, I read something by Bill Gates the other day that made me smile. And I never  thought I would say that ever!

Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about eleven things they did not and will not learn in school. 

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2 : The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

By the way,  I want you to know I just survived traffic school! I have never had a speeding ticket in my life, would you believe (God looking out for idiots here)! And I got two in three months and decided I would do the traffic school thing to keep it off my insurance. I didn't want to spend 8 hours in a classroom, not matter how hilarious the teacher , so I opted for the Blockbuster DVD. I thought it would be easy.
Ha!

Now I know what anti-lock brakes do, and how to drive in snow ( an action I have NO INTENTION of having to ever perform), and that you should have your ball bearings re-packed every two years. (Is that sort of like a prostate exam?)
And I swear to God I will not speed again. I haven't been graded on a pop test of any kind since college ( unless you include life.) and there were 6 of them!
My straight A student mentality got the best of me. There  I was for HOURS furiously scribbling things like "the three second lag", the definition of octane,  the fact that 50% of driving fatalities are caused by drunk drivers. Did you know that? I didn't.
So  in future, if you get behind a little old lady in  a green Prius who is driving wayyyy to carefully on a California road,  be kind and stay back!. It's me.

My favorite fairy tale of the moment...

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"  The girl
said:"NO!"  And the girl lived happily ever-after and went shopping,
dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never
had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't
get fat, traveled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had
all the hot water to herself.  She went to the theatre, never watched
sports, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had
high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in
sweat pants and was pleasant all the time.    The End 

My favorite viewing and listening of the moment...

BOOK - IN DEFENSE OF FOOD...Michael Pollen.
(I am NEVER eating Cool Whip again!)

MOVIE -   RESCUE DAWN - Werner Herzog
and IRON MAN, of course. Roberth Downey Junior...yummmmm!

MUSIC - THE PFISTER SISTERS - if the Boswell Sisters were alive and living in New Orleans , they'd be them. Tight harmonies, rocking music, and a whole lot of soul. Real feel good music. www.pfistersisters.com...check them out!

And here are my  favorite words of wisdom for the month.

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was," Go! You might meet somebody!"

7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe them.

8.Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'

9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
 
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.

13. Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan!

So, I wish you a wonderful, flowering, heart-leaping Spring! 

I close with my very favorite picture of the moment.
This man rescued this bird when it was a  wounded chick, and they have been together ever since.
Living proof that ANYONE can love and be loved.
We should all practice love for the sake of loving alone.
 Talk about good exercise!

Kisses!
Amanda

The pieces here treat topics as distinct as politics, relationships, parents, children, hair, dieting, and aging with wry irreverence. Features humor from some of the best-known women writers today: Amanda McBroom, Wendy Wasserstein, Delia Ephron, Anna Quindlen, Kathy Najimy, Gloria Steinem, Christine Lavin and many others.

And all this funny business is for three good causes: all of the royalties and a percentage of the proceeds will be donated to the American Foundation for AIDS Research (amFAR), The National coalition Against Domestic Violence, and the National Alliance of Breast Cancer Organizations (NABCO).

For more information, visit the website at www.lifesastitch.net

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SOME INTERESTING LINKS:

GEORGE BALL

MUSICIAN.COM

GARDEN ESCAPE

JOHNNY MERCER

SONGSEARCH.COM

CABARET HOT LINE

HANA FLOWER COMPANY

CABARET SCENES MAGAZINE

CITY CABARET ONLINE MAGAZINE

JULIE CHRISTENSEN The girl can sing

CHRISTINE LAVIN A truly wonderful writer

LAUREL MASSE"She is a singer, and therefore capable of anything." - Vincenzo Bellini

ANNE KERRY FORD
A full fledged diva in her own right

HARRIGAN LOGAN A wonderful singer. The real deal!

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JOHN BUCCHINO
One of the best contemporary songwriters on the planet!Check out his new CD Grateful (I'm on it)

CATHRINE JONES If you are interested in screenwriting or playwriting, this woman is a wonderful teacher. Email her at cathrinejones@juno.com

LEE LESSACK Check out DUETS...a lovely new album for everyone’s listening pleasure from one of the most delicious voices around.”